Hi, everyone who is reading this. That is to say, like one or two people. Hi, one or two people. Tonight I’m sitting down with Independent Guild of Fools Member and one of my many bosses, Aaron C. Cross.
Pleasure to be here, I guess. Where’s the scotch you promised?
It’ll get here.
Yeah, I’m not going to talk until it’s in my hand.
Right. Well, in the interest of not being awkward, I’m going to start. Aaron, tell me about your books.
Aaron? Will you talk about your books?
Fine! Here’s your scotch. Happy?
Oh, right, my books! You can buy them all through links at http://www.aaronccross.com/book-details.html .
Is...is that it? Are you going to talk more about them?
They’re books. They’re funny. Wear diapers because you may pee. It’s been known to happen.
Next question, please.
How do you decide what word to start your sentences with?
I’m going to imagine that you asked a better question. Yes, Marty, I do look good in a suit. Thank you for noticing. Of course, it’s better when you go commando. Nothing like cashmere to make a man feel alive in the basement, right, Marty? That reminds me, you need to go get ‘that thing’ from ‘the basement’ before ‘it dies’. Wait. Don’t print that. Next question!
Right. Okay. What advice would you give to an aspiring comic fantasy author?
Don’t do it. Run away, as fast as you can. Take a wife, bear a child, live your life simple and free on a farm somewhere. Stay as far as you can from the black, soulless depths of comic fantasy. The looming presence of Sir Terry Pratchett ensures that nothing you do will ever be as good as his work and everyone that does not value comedy will tell you that. Plus, you know, as hard as writing is, it’s ten times harder when you realize you have to actually be funny while creating. It’s turning on Hard Mode during Dark Souls, so to speak.
It can’t be that bad.
Oh yeah? Let me put this to you. What happens when you take something already volatile and then pour gas on it?
It drowns because the liquid doesn’t -
It makes it worse! It’s like that with writing and comedy. You’re adding gas to the mental dumpster fire that is writing.
That’s not very funny.
That’s what your mom said.
I’ve said too much. Next question.
How much should an aspiring comic fantasy author trust your advice?
Oh, not one bit. They should completely disregard everything I’m saying.
At least you’re being honest…
Sure, we’ll go with that.
What is your preferred method of procrastinating from writing?
It’s called ‘living’. Maybe you’ve heard of it.
That’s fairly vague.
You see, Martin - can I call you Martin?
...oh, my gosh, absolutely. Yes. Yes! I’ve been hoping that this day would come for so long. I’ve asked you to call me Martin from the very start because, really, I prefer that name so-
Right. Well, Marty, it’s like this. Writing is fun, but it’s also hard and confusing and leads to deep self-reflection about who you are as a person and why you write what you do. Do you know what doesn’t do that?
I’m sure I don’t -
Playing Crusader Kings II until four in the morning because you just can’t stop your Mercian king from cuckolding literally every single one of his allies. That does not cause you any fear for reflection. Ever.
Right. So, I guess, how was your day?
Actually, not too bad. Went out to lunch. Evolved an Eevee on Pokemon GO. Browsed some ‘websites’. I’ve had worse days.
Good. I think. Why do you love your intern so much?
That’s not the question as it was written. Read it right, Marty, or don’t read it at all.
Um, if The Independent Guild of Fools were a rock band, what instrument would you play?
I’d be lead singer. I can scream Iron Maiden at the top of my voice, I am well-versed in all manner of heavy metal songs, and I look stellar in skin-tight spandex pants.
There is no way that’s true.
Ask your mom.
Why would she...no. Moving on to why did it have to be this question? Ugh. So, Aaron, why don’t you tell us about the ladies in your life, and what do they think of your books?
HahahahahahahahAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Wait, wait. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Oh, man, thank you. I needed that laugh.
I suddenly am very uncomfortable. Next question. Are you any good with chopsticks?
Of course! Only way to eat Chinese food, man. It’s not like I’m going to get frustrated, throw the sticks across the room, slam my face into the bowl, and almost literally inhale several ounces of chicken fried rice. I mean, again.
What do you consider the lowest form of life on the planet?
Interns. Final answer, Regis.
If you were being held hostage and had to use an interview with your captor to send a message to the authorities, what would you say?
I feel as if you are ending with this question to send a message. First off, ‘spoilers’. Secondly, buy my books. http://www.aaronccross.com/book-details.html . You can also reach me at @daneatscatfood on Twitter if you want to hear me complain about my dreams, writing, and my desert of a love life. Now, Marty, where’s that scotch you promised?
You...you drank it all. Okay, this interview is over!
I thought I got to say that!