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Tonight I’m sitting down with Independent Guild of Fools Member and one of my many bosses, Sam Hooker.
The damn you are. So it’s true that you don’t really have a knack for swearing? That’s a heckin’ lie! Who told you that? I’ll kick the spigot off that dirty gunnel! Isn’t a “gunnel” part of a boat? You only know that because of all the sailors your mom knows. Sadly, this interview is still going better than Steve’s. This isn’t an interview. I don’t do those. I’m just here for the snacks. Um, okay. Well, while we’re here, tell me about your books. Why? You’ve read them. … Why are you making your “uh-oh, I forgot to buy Fruit Roll-Ups again” face? You’ve read them! They’re your favorites! Yeah, well … what would you tell some other person--who definitely isn’t me--about your books, if they hadn’t read them? I’d tell them to buy my books. Right, but why? Fine, because they’re funny and dark at the same time. If you can appreciate unspeakable ancient horrors and a good tickling in the same paragraph, my stuff is right up your alley. How do you decide what word to start your sentences with? I sure as chicory don’t end them with prepositions. You kiss your mother with that mouth? No! I mean, what? Here’s some free advice. Don’t spread it around that you kiss your mother with your mouth open. I don’t do that! Hey, now you’re getting it. There might be hope for you yet. No, I mean … oh, whatever. What advice would you give to an aspiring comic fantasy author? The funniest characters stick to their ridiculous, extreme quirks. Don’t let them calm down! They should constantly do stupid things, like believe that interns can get promoted, or earn respect, or become real boys. … Hey, this is fun! Ask me another one. Wait, are you crying? N-n-no … Atta boy, you’re getting the hang of lying. Now if we can just get you to stop making out with your mom. I told you, I don’t-- It makes sense, you see a few dozen sailors doing it, you’re a curious young boy … not a real boy, but still. Can we change the subject? How much should an aspiring comic fantasy author trust your advice? Trust no one. Comedy is serious business, and any one of us would gladly cut you open and sell one of your organs to get you writing true crime novels instead. Also to pay rent. Comedy doesn’t pay so well. Is that why I’m an unpaid intern? We pay you double what you’re worth. Show a little gratitude. What is your preferred method of procrastinating from writing? Answering stupid questions is doing it for me at the moment. So how was your day? Finally! It’s taken you this long to ask me about my day! That’s a pre-interview question, Marty. You’re really lucky I’m here to teach you this stuff, even though I shouldn’t have to. Why do you love your intern so much? For the same reason we pay you a living wage. But you don’t … Get there … Sigh. You got there. If The Independent Guild of Fools were a rock band, what instrument would you play? The drums. No one ever forgets to buy Fruit Roll-Ups for the guy who’s always got a stick in his back pocket. There are plenty of Fruit Roll-Ups! You’re eating one now! I only forgot once. And I’ve taken it upon myself to make sure that remains true. Am I not merciful? Tell us about the ladies in your life, and what-- AM I NOT MERCIFUL? Yeah, I guess. Tell us about the ladies in your life, and what do they think of your books? My wife likes that I have a hobby that doesn’t make a lot of noise. Your mom won’t stop calling me. Are you any good with chopsticks? Focus, Marty! I don’t need chopsticks for Fruit Roll-Ups! What do you consider the lowest form of life on the planet? Too easy. Wait a minute, are you fetishising being insulted? That’s grossing me out, but I respect it a little. You just said you respect me! Everybody heard it! That doesn’t sound like me. I was probably talking about all of the brave sailors who line up at your mom’s house every night, nickels in hand. Could you please stop being mean to my mom? Says the guy who denies making out with her. If you were being held hostage and had to use an interview with your captor to send a message to the authorities, what would you say? I’d probably establish my credibility by sending them the first chapter of #MartyWorld, then threaten to cry until they take me seriously. You know, rely on my strengths.
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Tonight I’m sitting down with Independent Guild of Fools Member and one of my many bosses, Steve Thomas.
Do I really need to be here for this? Yes. Fine. Steve, tell me about your books. I wrote them. Could you elaborate? And you should buy them. https://www.amazon.com/default/e/B004MNXB8Y/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1?qid=1362199697&sr=8-1&redirectedFromKindleDbs=true How do you decide what word to start your sentences with? That’s your question? You know, this will go faster if you actually answer my questions. I won’t have to keep following up or pressing you for details. ... Steve? ... Are you mad at me? You interviewed Aaron first. You were in the bathroom! And you didn’t wait! Ok, I’m sorry. Will you please answer my questions now? Fine. Apology accepted. We’re out of toilet paper, by the way. What advice would you give to an aspiring comic fantasy author? Write something that makes you laugh. It’s ok to laugh at your own jokes if there are no witnesses. If you’re having a great time writing your story, it will be infectious and spread to the reader. Also, don’t rely entirely on a goofy situation to make your leader laugh. Your characters and their reactions need to be part of the joke, and they need to add to the humor and chaos. Finally, and this is the most important one, vet your sources before you take advice from random author interviews. How much should an aspiring comic fantasy author trust your advice? Well, I did tell them not to, which was part of my advice, so they shouldn’t take it. Marty, take a memo. I need you to resolve a paradox for me. I look forward to it, sir. Then try not to spend a whole lot of time on it. What is your preferred method of procrastinating from writing? Most of my procrastination is done via video games. Every now and then a video game comes along that’s so good I manage to avoid writing for weeks. Nintendo is doing a public service some months. So how was your day? Funny you should ask. The clock just ticked past midnight, so I don’t really have much to go on. I just finished a glass of milk, but my son is still awake, so it’s kind of a wash so far. Why do you love your intern so much? Next. Oh, come on. Aaron didn’t answer it either. Thanks for reminding me you chose him over me. NEXT! Sigh. If The Independent Guild of Fools were a rock band, what instrument would you play? I would play the most metal and imposing of all instruments: the flute. If a guy shows up in a rock song with a flute solo, you know that band isn’t messing around. Look at Ian Anderson from Jethro Tull. Total badass. Tell us about the ladies in your life, and what do they think of your books? Complete indifference on all counts. Next question. Are you any good with chopsticks? Oh, I’ve trained extensively. I know seven ways to kill a man with only one chopstick, and-- Next question! What do you consider the lowest form of life on the planet? Well, this is the easiest question so far. Obviously, it’s int-- Other than interns. Look, the card says, “Other than interns.” Interrupters. You interrupted me, Marty, and don’t act like you didn’t add that clause in purple crayon. If you were being held hostage and had to use an interview with your captor to send a message to the authorities, what would you say? The first step is to establish a code, such as that every third word is part of a secret message. Then you send for some assistance with your stock purchases, go home and start setting up traps in case whatever soon. Ok, that last sentence was gibberish. I’m glad you think so, Marty. I’m glad you think so. Are we done here? Yeah, sure. I’ll see who else is free. You better not interview them before me. I’m interviewing you now. I can’t possibly interview someone else before you be. Other than Aaron. Look, I’m sorry, ok? I didn’t realize it meant so much to you. Marty. What? Go pick up some toilet paper like I told you. |
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