Marty Interview Sam Hooker

Tonight I’m sitting down with Independent Guild of Fools Member and one of my many bosses, Sam Hooker.
The damn you are.

So it’s true that you don’t really have a knack for swearing?
That’s a heckin’ lie! Who told you that? I’ll kick the spigot off that dirty gunnel!

Isn’t a “gunnel” part of a boat?
You only know that because of all the sailors your mom knows.

Sadly, this interview is still going better than Steve’s.
This isn’t an interview. I don’t do those. I’m just here for the snacks.

Um, okay. Well, while we’re here, tell me about your books.
Why? You’ve read them.
…
Why are you making your “uh-oh, I forgot to buy Fruit Roll-Ups again” face? You’ve read them! They’re your favorites!

Yeah, well … what would you tell some other person--who definitely isn’t me--about your books, if they hadn’t read them?
I’d tell them to buy my books.

Right, but why?
Fine, because they’re funny and dark at the same time. If you can appreciate unspeakable ancient horrors and a good tickling in the same paragraph, my stuff is right up your alley.

How do you decide what word to start your sentences with?
I sure as chicory don’t end them with prepositions. You kiss your mother with that mouth?

No! I mean, what?
Here’s some free advice. Don’t spread it around that you kiss your mother with your mouth open.

I don’t do that!
Hey, now you’re getting it. There might be hope for you yet.

No, I mean … oh, whatever. What advice would you give to an aspiring comic fantasy author?
The funniest characters stick to their ridiculous, extreme quirks. Don’t let them calm down! They should constantly do stupid things, like believe that interns can get promoted, or earn respect, or become real boys.
…
Hey, this is fun! Ask me another one. Wait, are you crying?

N-n-no …
Atta boy, you’re getting the hang of lying. Now if we can just get you to stop making out with your mom.

I told you, I don’t--
It makes sense, you see a few dozen sailors doing it, you’re a curious young boy … not a real boy, but still.

Can we change the subject? How much should an aspiring comic fantasy author trust your advice?
Trust no one. Comedy is serious business, and any one of us would gladly cut you open and sell one of your organs to get you writing true crime novels instead. Also to pay rent. Comedy doesn’t pay so well.

Is that why I’m an unpaid intern?
We pay you double what you’re worth. Show a little gratitude.


What is your preferred method of procrastinating from writing?
Answering stupid questions is doing it for me at the moment.

So how was your day?
Finally! It’s taken you this long to ask me about my day! That’s a pre-interview question, Marty. You’re really lucky I’m here to teach you this stuff, even though I shouldn’t have to.

Why do you love your intern so much?
For the same reason we pay you a living wage.

But you don’t …
Get there …

Sigh.
You got there.

If The Independent Guild of Fools were a rock band, what instrument would you play?
The drums. No one ever forgets to buy Fruit Roll-Ups for the guy who’s always got a stick in his back pocket.

There are plenty of Fruit Roll-Ups! You’re eating one now! I only forgot once.
And I’ve taken it upon myself to make sure that remains true. Am I not merciful?

Tell us about the ladies in your life, and what--
AM I NOT MERCIFUL?

Yeah, I guess. Tell us about the ladies in your life, and what do they think of your books?
My wife likes that I have a hobby that doesn’t make a lot of noise. Your mom won’t stop calling me.

Are you any good with chopsticks?
Focus, Marty! I don’t need chopsticks for Fruit Roll-Ups!

What do you consider the lowest form of life on the planet?
Too easy. Wait a minute, are you fetishising being insulted? That’s grossing me out, but I respect it a little.

You just said you respect me! Everybody heard it!
That doesn’t sound like me. I was probably talking about all of the brave sailors who line up at your mom’s house every night, nickels in hand.

Could you please stop being mean to my mom?
Says the guy who denies making out with her.

If you were being held hostage and had to use an interview with your captor to send a message to the authorities, what would you say?
I’d probably establish my credibility by sending them the first chapter of #MartyWorld, then threaten to cry until they take me seriously. You know, rely on my strengths.