Marty Interviews Steve Thomas
Tonight I’m sitting down with Independent Guild of Fools Member and one of my many bosses, Steve Thomas.
Do I really need to be here for this?
Steve, tell me about your books.
I wrote them.
Could you elaborate?
And you should buy them.
How do you decide what word to start your sentences with?
That’s your question?
You know, this will go faster if you actually answer my questions. I won’t have to keep following up or pressing you for details.
Are you mad at me?
You interviewed Aaron first.
You were in the bathroom!
And you didn’t wait!
Ok, I’m sorry. Will you please answer my questions now?
Fine. Apology accepted. We’re out of toilet paper, by the way.
What advice would you give to an aspiring comic fantasy author?
Write something that makes you laugh. It’s ok to laugh at your own jokes if there are no witnesses. If you’re having a great time writing your story, it will be infectious and spread to the reader. Also, don’t rely entirely on a goofy situation to make your leader laugh. Your characters and their reactions need to be part of the joke, and they need to add to the humor and chaos. Finally, and this is the most important one, vet your sources before you take advice from random author interviews.
How much should an aspiring comic fantasy author trust your advice?
Well, I did tell them not to, which was part of my advice, so they shouldn’t take it. Marty, take a memo. I need you to resolve a paradox for me.
I look forward to it, sir.
Then try not to spend a whole lot of time on it.
What is your preferred method of procrastinating from writing?
Most of my procrastination is done via video games. Every now and then a video game comes along that’s so good I manage to avoid writing for weeks. Nintendo is doing a public service some months.
So how was your day?
Funny you should ask. The clock just ticked past midnight, so I don’t really have much to go on. I just finished a glass of milk, but my son is still awake, so it’s kind of a wash so far.
Why do you love your intern so much?
Oh, come on. Aaron didn’t answer it either.
Thanks for reminding me you chose him over me. NEXT!
Sigh. If The Independent Guild of Fools were a rock band, what instrument would you play?
I would play the most metal and imposing of all instruments: the flute. If a guy shows up in a rock song with a flute solo, you know that band isn’t messing around. Look at Ian Anderson from Jethro Tull. Total badass.
Tell us about the ladies in your life, and what do they think of your books?
Complete indifference on all counts. Next question.
Are you any good with chopsticks?
Oh, I’ve trained extensively. I know seven ways to kill a man with only one chopstick, and--
Next question! What do you consider the lowest form of life on the planet?
Well, this is the easiest question so far. Obviously, it’s int--
Other than interns. Look, the card says, “Other than interns.”
Interrupters. You interrupted me, Marty, and don’t act like you didn’t add that clause in purple crayon.
If you were being held hostage and had to use an interview with your captor to send a message to the authorities, what would you say?
The first step is to establish a code, such as that every third word is part of a secret message.
Then you send for some assistance with your stock purchases, go home and start setting up traps in case whatever soon.
Ok, that last sentence was gibberish.
I’m glad you think so, Marty. I’m glad you think so. Are we done here?
Yeah, sure. I’ll see who else is free.
You better not interview them before me.
I’m interviewing you now. I can’t possibly interview someone else before you be.
Other than Aaron.
Look, I’m sorry, ok? I didn’t realize it meant so much to you.
Go pick up some toilet paper like I told you.
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